Motherhood is an odd paradox

Little man woke up at about 4:30 this morning. I was blessed with a baby who usually sleeps well through the night in his own crib, and he’s been doing so for several months. (He’s almost 9 months old.)

I assume the thunder and lightning woke him up, but after feeding him, he didn’t want me to put him down. This was a change; usually after drinking a bottle, he wants to get down and play independently, or I can let him go back to sleep in his crib if it’s still dark.

This morning, he just wanted to be held. We sat and rocked quietly in his darkened room, the only light coming from his noise machine/projector beaming rotating sea creatures on the ceiling.

Although I was exhausted, I couldn’t help but be grateful for this time with my little boy. I reminded myself there would come days where he didn’t want much to do with me, and I’d long for the days when he wanted to be held, rocked and cuddled.

I never could get him back to sleep in his crib alone. Every time I tried, he’d perk up and cry until I picked him up again. I sat in the rocker with him in my lap, sadly watching the light grow through the blinds in the window and dreading how exhausted I’d be today.

Eventually we both fell asleep together in the spare bed in his room for about 30 minutes. I will never forget his bright blue eyes staring up at me and the hint of a smile behind his pacifier as I brushed his hair until he fell asleep next to me. And I didn’t even mind his little baby snores.

All I wanted was to sleep endlessly, but at the same time, I wouldn’t trade those precious moments with my son for the world.

Becoming a parent is the most humbling experience that is also able to instill such pride. I’m incredibly proud of everything my husband and I have gone through to have my sweet little DJ, but at the same time I feel so profoundly stupid as a new mother.

Motherhood is an odd paradox. I’ve never felt so many simultaneous extremes: extreme exhaustion, love, loyalty, annoyance, strength, weakness… I’ve never felt all at once so significant and insignificant. I’ve never felt so important and yet so incapable.